From my earliest recollections, I faced a big challenge. I found myself, even from a young age, sexually attracted to my own kind. I have no idea where these feelings originated. All I know is that for as long as I can remember, this was the way I felt. Whether my sexual orientation was determined by genetic or psychosocial factors, the result was the same. I was physically and emotionally attracted to the same sex. I didn’t make a choice one day to feel this way. It simply was the way it was. I now know that my sexual orientation in no way defines who I really am; however, in the era I grew up in, my sexual orientation proved to be a huge issue that had an influence on many aspects of my life.
As a young boy, I was very confused about my feelings. I learned very early that I was condemned by most of society for feeling the way I did. Being gay was simply not accepted by anyone I knew. In order to survive in my world, I had to repress, deny, and hide my feelings. Even as a young child, I knew that it was absolutely necessary to hide the way I felt. In my day, “coming out” wasn’t a possibility. No matter what, I couldn’t risk telling anyone the way I felt. As a result of the law before 1969 in Canada that criminalized homosexuality, and the social attitudes toward homosexuality, I lived in constant fear of being discovered. I suspected terrible things would happen to me if anyone found out I was gay. I couldn’t trust anyone with my secret, and I believed I would b e ostracized and abandoned by my family and everyone I knew if they ever found out the truth about me. I hid behind a mask and denied my real identity and my true feelings from my family, friends and everyone I met. As a result, I felt completely alone, isolated, and unloved with no one to turn to for support. Until God slowly awakened me to our relationship.
Reflecting on my past, I now understand how important to my learning and spiritual journey it was for me, as I manifested my worldly life, to create the experience of living with being gay. As described in our book, The Divine Mystery Revealed-The Book of Answers, living with being gay presented me with enormous psychological, emotional, and social challenges. I discovered at a young age how powerful our sexual feelings can be and how our sexual feelings can take over and control our behaviour. I learned that my sexual orientation in no way defines who I really am; however, in the era I grew up in, my sexual orientation proved to be a huge issue that influenced my whole life. As I faced the challenges of dealing with my sexual feelings, I found myself on a roller coaster ride of conflicting emotions that alternated between my spiritual nature and my ego. This conflict continued for many years until life events brought me to the place where I became aware of my spiritual nature. Discovering my true spiritual nature in a relationship with All That Is Divine transformed the way I felt about myself and how I viewed my relationship to others. Perhaps discovering my true identity and my relationship to God explains why I chose to experience the worldly life that I did unbelievable opportunities for learning and personal growth.